Much like how I say I am “retired” instead of “unemployed” I often say I am “widowed” instead of “single”. Now withstanding how my last relationship ended, I mainly say it just because it is easier. It is like saying “I tried it and ended” instead of “I have never been able to make it work”.
Whenever I am out in public I always notice the older men alone, most people don’t. I try and see how they are and what kind of life they are leading. I sometimes think about what the circumstances were to leave them alone at their age. I think I do it because I fear that I am one day going to end up like them.
I have reached that age where most of my friends either are or are about to be married and are having children. I see and hear from them less and less now. I understand that this happens as we get older and have more important responsibilities in our lives and our friends fall by the wayside. That does not bother me. What does is that I feel that I missed on going down that road with everyone else.
When you are younger you go out and socialize with others to find a relationship and hopefully a partner. The pond is full of fish and when you are that age you are able to base your choices on a different set of needs. You ideally try to find someone attractive, who is smart, funny and understanding. Sometimes you luck out sometimes you don’t. You might leave someone who has those qualities for someone else who you think could be better. Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t. You don’t worry about the consequences because there are plenty of fish in the sea and you don’t realize how short of time span you have there.
Once you hit a certain age people start panicking because the fish are leaving the pond at a alarming rate. I think a lot of people get married or stay in relationships that are not great because they don’t think they can do any better and they are afraid of being alone. For many people it is better to sleep next to someone than no one at all. I understand that.
Now being single when you get older is rough. Before the sea was full of all sorts of fish, giant bluefin tuna as far as the eye could see, now it is less sea life and when you do find something it has three eyes or is deformed from where a fisherman’s hook caught it. It is nothing you want in your net or on your plate. But the fear starts to creep up on you, the fear of being alone.
I have a friend who has that fear badly. They have been single for years now, they are ready to get married and have a family. They have what I call “the desperation”. It is where they have tried everything to get a partner. You know the type, get involved in something new every couple of months to try to meet someone new; religion, bars, dating services, etc. In the end they date someone a bit, try to change themselves a bit to please them and in the end when it doesn’t work out they get even more depressed, lonely and desperate. You feel sorry for them but when you take a step back you wonder how much longer will it be until I am in the same boat.
I had a coworker many years ago. He was a older gentlemen, divorced. He had a son but he was grown and lived far away. We got along fairly well and after awhile he started asking me to come over and visit him on our days off. I would make excuses on why I couldn’t go, mostly because I wanted to go out to the bars with my buddies. One day he called and I decided to do it once and get it over with. Now this was a man at work who was full of life and vigor but when I visited his home I saw a different side of him. It was a older home that was in various states of repair I think mostly due to his increasing age. He showed my around his place, full of joy and pride. We sat down, ordered a pizza and watched a movie. He seemed so happy to have someone to share the evening with as if he didn’t have this happen to him often. At the time I thought it was strange since it was a everyday occurrence to me. After the movie ended I decided it was late and I needed to get home. At that point my coworker got sad and pleaded with me to stay a while longer, to watch another movie, anything just to stay. I kept firm and left. At the time I didn’t understand his behavior and it soured my friendship a bit. Now as I am older I get that he was a lonely guy and I was probably the first friend he had over in some time. What was a everyday occurrence to me at the time was probably the highlight of his year.
I haven’t seen that coworker in many years and I am not sure he is still alive today as he was in poor health then. If I would I would apologize for the way I acted and tell him that I understand now.
Back to the old men again, it makes you wonder if at a certain point they just gave up. If one day they woke up and realize that continuing down that path would give them nothing but more pain, misery and heartache. Perhaps they came to grips with knowing they will sleep alone for the rest of their lives.
Being alone frightens me especially now that I am getting older and to be honest my health is not the greatest. I don’t have much in terms of family and of course as you get older that goes away as well. I fear that I am going to be alone in a shitty apartment, die and no one will find me for months if not years. Whenever I read a story about someone finding a corpse in a house years after they die I have a different reaction than most who say “I don’t understand how that could happen?” I do understand, it is because they had no one to care about them. They were alone and not by choice.
With age comes knowledge. If I could go back to when I was younger I would tell myself to focus more on finding that partner more and work harder at being a better person for them. I have been in relationships, perhaps with some of the people reading this, they all have failed for one reason or another. I know with some of them it was we were both settling for each other because it was easier than being alone. It is hard to admit that.
A friend and I were having a conversation about my lack of a love life the other other night. I expressed my doubt at being able to find that someone now. He says to me full of optimism, “She is out there for you, you just haven’t found her yet.” I would like to believe him, I really would. I would love to believe that there is that perfect person for everyone out there but then reality kicks back in and I think of old man walking around, doing his errands or whatever he is doing. Contrary to what Disney has sold us, everyone does not end up “happily ever after.”